By Tunde Odesola
Up until a few hours ago, my mind was made up to take a break this week from writing my column, Hunter’s Whistle, published in The PUNCH every Friday. This decision was due to another writing assignment I was committed to, but which I have had no time to complete.
As a newshound with an understanding of the rules of journalistic engagement, I texted the Editor of The PUNCH, Mr Tunji Abioye, and the Opinion and Editorial Page Editor, Mr Felix Oloyede, excusing myself from writing this week. In their church minds, I know both bosses would be magnanimous not to axe me if I failed to give an official reason for going AWOL.
Earlier than I envisaged, however, I had cracked the other assignment on the grindstone of hard labour, after I gave it 110%. I was happy to fill my lungs with the fresh air that comes after a sigh of relief. Now, what do I do? I still have a few hours before The PUNCH deadline. Exhausted but relieved, a part of my mind whispered, “Tunde, go and rest. You’ve worked yourself to the bones already!”
But another part of my mind hissed and asked, “Rest? What do you want your readers to read on Friday? PUNCH will not publish a blank page. C’mon, don’t be lazy! The reward for hard work is more work!”
Yet another voice, this time, firm and clear, tries to mediate between the pull and push of the first two voices, negotiating a way through the crisis between the first two voices.
The voices in my mind were the id, the superego and the ego; three dominant forces identified by Austrian psychologist Sigmund Freud in his pioneering concept of the human mind – Psychoanalytic Theory – developed in the last decade of the 19th century and the first decade of the 20th century.
Should I say yes? Should I say no? The id wants to sleep, the superego wants to work, the ego sits in the middle, trying to broker a peace treaty between a tired body and an ambitious conscience. What should I do?
Amid a thumping headache, I heeded the pull of the superego, believing I would just prepare something light and fast for my readers, like concoction rice prepared with a boiling ring by schoolboys. “The article doesn’t need to be heavy. Just make it snacky like noodles,” I told myself.
The ladle becomes a victim of hot water because of its inability to refuse certain assignments, says a Yoruba proverb. The id spoke. The superego spoke. The ego did, too. But behind the door of my mind, where I chose work over rest, lies exhaustion, vulnerability, and a potential sudden death. This is the tragedy of Good Samaritans who do not know how to turn excessive requests down. Wholesomely, I am guilty of such stupidity.
A consistent pattern of siding with the superego, I believe, is what has led many Nigerians to sudden death. Again, I am guilty. May we save ourselves from sudden death before it is too late, I pray.
This same pattern was seen in the overburdening financial responsibilities borne by popular gospel singer Olayemi Bayonile Bolaji, aka Toluwanisings, who suddenly slumped and died a few weeks ago after complaining of a nagging headache and tiredness. A good family man, Toluwanisings had reportedly performed all night at a show and slumped in the morning while about to take his two daughters to school.
Uhnm, the multi-talented grass-to-grace Toluwanisings is dead, and has taken the unused nine of his 10 talents back to his creator. Leaked voice notes from the members of Toluwanisings’ maternal and paternal families portray poverty as a cancer that shreds the mind. A friend of mine, resident in London, Olufunso Titus, sent the voice notes and some videos to me. I managed to listen to a few – those were the ones by his maternal auntie, her son, Taye, his uncle, Tunde (I cover my own Tunde with the blood of Jesus), and another male member. The recordings were thoroughly devastating.
The one by his auntie – the alleged younger sister of his mother – was done before Toluwanisings died. It was squarely addressed to him. Her ranting was an oration of heartlessness and godlessness. The voice note by her son, Taye, was worse; it brimmed with satanic verses. In the voice note, Taye said all that Toluwanisings did for him was no big deal, blaming the singer’s wife for the crisis surrounding his burial. Two voice notes by one Babatunde, a supposed uncle, displayed ingratitude in rainbow colours, just as another one by an unidentified family member was maggoty.
In all the voice notes, Toluwanisings was heard creaking under the yoke of financial requests that saw him buy SUVs, a refrigerator, a tricycle, and send more millions of naira to Taye in the UK, despite having sent N6m to him earlier on. Despite granting their crazy financial requests, the maternal family members kept asking for more, and yet guilt-tripped him like he had done nothing.
In some voice notes, Toluwanisings promised to sell some cars to fund Taye’s stay in the UK with his pregnant white wife. The 34-year-old singer lamented that the financial pressure being piled upon him had affected his health, and that it had resulted in him consulting a therapist. He urged Taye, 31, to man up by finding a way to cope with life in the UK.
In all his voice notes, Toluwanisings was shockingly respectful and restrained, a reflection of his accommodating disposition. Also, his wife has maintained dignified silence since the show of shame starring mother, son, and uncles began.
I daresay the human body is not an inexhaustible machine, and the demands of people can oftentimes become tools of self-destruction. The dead are soon forgotten; ẹní kú, ni tì ẹ̀ gbé. Toluwanisings is dead, and the Oliver Twists in his family have moved on.
Anyone who listened to the online voice and video recordings of Toluwanisings begging his maternal family members not to kill him with financial burdens, and the unending requests for more and higher financial aid by his relatives, would understand how the mind of Judas worked. The maternal relatives of Toluwanisings were a brood of greedy ingrates. They have elevated guilt-tripping into an art more brutal than murder.
However, beyond the greed and ingratitude of Mama Taye, Taye, Tunde and others, lay a venom of envy and jealousy. It is their greed and ingratitude that many members of the public see; I see envy and jealousy at the root of their greed and ingratitude.
Neither envy nor jealousy is inherently evil. Both are natural human emotions. However, they have different psychological foundations, and either can become destructive when left unchecked.
According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, envy “is a painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage”. It is a feeling of discontent, resentment or inadequacy arising from another person’s possession, achievement, quality or advantage that you desire. For example, when envious Richard sees his friend’s new house, pronto, his own house suddenly becomes a rathole.
Jealousy, on the other hand, says Collins Dictionary, generally involves the fear of losing something or someone you already have, particularly to a rival.
There is, however, a useful distinction between what psychology calls Benign Envy and Malicious Envy. The former is when I admire what you have and feel motivated to achieve something similar. But Malicious Envy is when Richard resents what his friend has, and I would rather see his friend lose it than improve his own circumstances. Remember what the brothers of Joseph did to him?
Jealousy becomes dangerous when it is possessive, controlling, intimidating, and surveilling. People become jealous or envious because of insecurity, social comparison, entitlement, familiarity and proximity, fear of losing affection or status, and scarcity mentality, which derives from the belief that other people’s success diminishes theirs.
Jealousy reared its bald head when relatives, including Taye, frontally attacked Irawomitan, Toluwanisings’s wife, accusing her of not being there with them when the singer was struggling. Taye’s mother insinuated that someone was behind Toluwanisings’ complaints of being overburdened by financial requests. Another relative guilt-tripped and gaslit the singer for not buying a TV for Mama Taye after he had spent millions on her son abroad.
Sadly, they see his wife as a rival competing with them for his affection, attention and financial resources. The maternal relatives appear jealous of Toluwanisings’ new family hierarchy, which places his wife as the closest person to him. In some families, relatives accept this transition gracefully, but in some others, the Third World War may be around the corner.
For telling her son to look for a job in the UK, Mama Taye recalled when she secured police bail for Toluwanisings when he was young. That act, in her estimation, qualified her son and family members to be leeches in the armpits of Toluwanisings. Mama Taye’s song of sorrow was an inability to appreciate the singer’s selfless sacrifice.
Entitlement becomes malicious envy when people who have known someone from humble beginnings find it difficult to reconcile that person’s present prosperity with their own circumstances. They remember the struggling young man they once knew. Suddenly, he becomes rich. Rather than simply appreciate his progress, they begin to regard his prosperity as an entitlement that should be shared according to their expectations.
Malicious envy is when you admire Elon Musk, Aliko Dangote, Mike Adenuga, Lionel Messi, LeBron James, Jay-Z, etc., without any emotional disturbance, but you begin to vibrate with envy when a childhood friend or relative becomes successful. Many friends and relatives find other people’s successes uncomfortable because they cannot understand why somebody who started from the same humble beginnings as them now enjoys a significantly better life.
One of my friends is perpetually like that. I recently discovered a distant relative with such a streak. I think everyone does have such friends and relatives. And, I tell you what: such malicious friends and relatives do not go far in life. They are like ponds; stagnant, stale and smelly.
Adieu, Toluwanisings. Rest in peace.
///
Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
X: @Tunde_Odesola
